Today marks 42 years of marriage for my parents, which inevitably makes me pause to reflect on what marriage means to me. And what divorce means, too.

I’ve watched the segment of Oprah featuring Dr. Shefali several times (thanks to one of you for recommending her work) and in the segment she answered a question from the audience about how to protect your children from divorce. The answer she shared was one that has been beaten into my head no matter the avenue of healing I choose — this notion that we ourselves have to resolve our own hangups first; That as a mother I have to become okay with both the shadow and the light associated with my divorce. And only when I’ve integrated the two — the shadow and the light — can I then offer my boys the gift of integration. If I show up for them with unresolved pieces, they will only get unresolved pieces. The greatest armor, to paraphrase Dr. Shefali, in protecting children from divorce is in showing them that we’re okay. Not to be confused with denial. And here’s what I believe to be the key — it’s not in denying the struggle but in showing them the light in the dark. Acknowledging the pain as part of their (our) reality but holding light for the gift of expansion that comes with their (our) new reality. It’s in honoring the struggle by acknowledging it as a catalyst for everyone’s growth. Growing through the mess — like my previous analogy of a flower that’s bent – even wilted at times – all in the struggle to grow by bending toward whatever light it could find.

Our culture fears divorce because our understanding of marriage is faulty, says Dr. Shefali. Currently, a successful marriage is one that stands the test of time but doesn’t take into account the misery, lack of connection or communication, lies, betrayal, or the lack of growth — none of that matters, only longevity. I’m dying to read an instagram anniversary posts that reads something like this:

“Today marks our 15th anniversary. Within those 15 years we’ve had a couple good years and several others riddled with despair. I’ve worked through him fucking his secretary and he’s worked through my addiction to crack cocaine. I can remember the last time we had sex but I can’t remember the last time I wanted to have sex with him. Or have his tongue in my mouth. Or be anywhere near his cigarette infused breath. But yay for surviving 15 years together. Here’s to hoping the next 15 are better — because there’s only a razor separating hope from denial. Let’s continue to deny the notion that the best predictor of the future is in looking at the past. My fear of change allows me to love you more. Happy Anniversary, babe.” 

You’ll never read that. Instead you’ll hear people celebrating their longevity; they’re ability to withstand, tolerate, and survive (by default). Based on this cultural norm — that a good marriage is one that’s lasted — divorce, which is by definition a break in longevity, then becomes indicative of failure, eliciting fear and devastation and despair.

Marriage, says Dr. Shefali, needs to be defined on different terms; on growth, authenticity, freedom. I would add: maturity and the willingness to operate from our true selves / free from ego.

Divorce is nothing more than the end of a phase. The end of dysfunction, inauthenticity, fear, the invasion of boundaries. It’s a positive thing. A beautiful release. It’s why it makes me cringe when I feel other’s pity for me. You know what’s worse than divorce? A marriage rooted in inauthenticity. In lies. In denial, deceit, and delusion.

Back to my parents and they’re 42 years of marriage… I’ll forever hang on the words my mom once shared with me, she said, “Of course there were times we wanted to get divorced, we just never felt that way at the same time”. Instead of celebrating 42 years of marriage, I’d rather congratulate them on 42 years of shared values and continued growth.