Month: January 2020

The Chorus | Hope

by Ashley filed under Life

I look back on the last few months in both a fog and with a clarity only the uncovering of your own truths can provide. So much to sift through, so much buried pain. To see is to feel and to feel is to own and they’re all so intertwined it can be confusing, disheartening, overwhelming. Emotions twisting and turning, the changing tides. Millions of footprints embedded in the sand, washed away with one crash of a wave. Chapters end and chapters begin. My vision for my future fractured, blood running cold, hard, dry. Like cracked dirt in a desolate desert. And yet there’s a quiet thumping through it all. A slow but steady stream of excitement; like when you’re climbing to the top of a roller coaster and you can’t see anything in front of you and you know that at some point the breaks are going to release. That you’ll be free. That the wind will again carry you. It’s an integration, I’ve learned — bits and pieces of opposites that make us whole. The fear and the excitement. The sorrow and the release.

Life is forever ending and beginning.

 

Written as part of Amy Grace’s Chorus, please visit glitterinthedirt.com to read the full song. 

Speak your truth

by Ashley filed under Uncategorized

Years ago I was exiting a bad relationship I had kept bottled up inside me for too long. A dear friend listened to my story and responded with, “closed mouths don’t get fed”. It’s stuck with me ever since. Sharing the bits and pieces I have here has fed me. There is no value so great as the value to be heard, to be seen, and to submerge myself in my own truth. And to connect; even if it’s through nothing more than relatability, shared experience. There are definitely those that are bothered by what I share here and by what I don’t share here, too. Divorce has a way of silencing parts of your life and delusion has a way of making that silence out to be whatever delusion wants it to be. The truth of the matter is that I only feel comfortable sharing my story; the story where I am in the driver’s seat and not the story where I’m being driven. And by driven, I’m referring to merely responding to the behaviors of others for which I have no control over other than the way in which I respond. Or don’t. And so, I choose to stay in my lane as best I can with progress-not-perfection being my motto.

Sharing the bits and pieces that I do has been cathartic for me. As someone who was struggling to trust their own reality, sharing my truth and seeing the words on a screen or hearing the words come out of my mouth creates a beautiful acceptable and an incredible release.

I read a post yesterday by @holly that said, “It is not your job to convert people to your way of thinking. It is your job to speak your truth so that others may find theirs. She went on to discuss how so many of us stay silent out of fear. The whole platform of instagram makes it easy for us to confuse the purpose of why it’s so important to share our truths — so easy to get caught up in likes and supportive comments (aka external validation when the real validation we ought to be seeking is internal). While those are all niceties, we must not lose sight of why we ought to share; that in speaking our truths, we are inviting others to speak theirs. It’s a way not only of owning our reality but in perhaps helping others own theirs. Many thanks to @holly for that reminder.

And so share! Share! Share! Do not let others have a hand in telling you what your truth is. Find it for yourself, own it, and share it. In the words of Oprah, “Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have”. I always tell my boys, don’t give away your power. It doesn’t matter if what you share sits right with anyone other than yourself.

Remember, closed mouths… they don’t get fed.

On Marriage…

by Ashley filed under Divorce, Family, Life

 

Today marks 42 years of marriage for my parents, which inevitably makes me pause to reflect on what marriage means to me. And what divorce means, too.

I’ve watched the segment of Oprah featuring Dr. Shefali several times (thanks to one of you for recommending her work) and in the segment she answered a question from the audience about how to protect your children from divorce. The answer she shared was one that has been beaten into my head no matter the avenue of healing I choose — this notion that we ourselves have to resolve our own hangups first; That as a mother I have to become okay with both the shadow and the light associated with my divorce. And only when I’ve integrated the two — the shadow and the light — can I then offer my boys the gift of integration. If I show up for them with unresolved pieces, they will only get unresolved pieces. The greatest armor, to paraphrase Dr. Shefali, in protecting children from divorce is in showing them that we’re okay. Not to be confused with denial. And here’s what I believe to be the key — it’s not in denying the struggle but in showing them the light in the dark. Acknowledging the pain as part of their (our) reality but holding light for the gift of expansion that comes with their (our) new reality. It’s in honoring the struggle by acknowledging it as a catalyst for everyone’s growth. Growing through the mess — like my previous analogy of a flower that’s bent – even wilted at times – all in the struggle to grow by bending toward whatever light it could find.

Our culture fears divorce because our understanding of marriage is faulty, says Dr. Shefali. Currently, a successful marriage is one that stands the test of time but doesn’t take into account the misery, lack of connection or communication, lies, betrayal, or the lack of growth — none of that matters, only longevity. I’m dying to read an instagram anniversary posts that reads something like this:

“Today marks our 15th anniversary. Within those 15 years we’ve had a couple good years and several others riddled with despair. I’ve worked through him fucking his secretary and he’s worked through my addiction to crack cocaine. I can remember the last time we had sex but I can’t remember the last time I wanted to have sex with him. Or have his tongue in my mouth. Or be anywhere near his cigarette infused breath. But yay for surviving 15 years together. Here’s to hoping the next 15 are better — because there’s only a razor separating hope from denial. Let’s continue to deny the notion that the best predictor of the future is in looking at the past. My fear of change allows me to love you more. Happy Anniversary, babe.” 

You’ll never read that. Instead you’ll hear people celebrating their longevity; they’re ability to withstand, tolerate, and survive (by default). Based on this cultural norm — that a good marriage is one that’s lasted — divorce, which is by definition a break in longevity, then becomes indicative of failure, eliciting fear and devastation and despair.

Marriage, says Dr. Shefali, needs to be defined on different terms; on growth, authenticity, freedom. I would add: maturity and the willingness to operate from our true selves / free from ego.

Divorce is nothing more than the end of a phase. The end of dysfunction, inauthenticity, fear, the invasion of boundaries. It’s a positive thing. A beautiful release. It’s why it makes me cringe when I feel other’s pity for me. You know what’s worse than divorce? A marriage rooted in inauthenticity. In lies. In denial, deceit, and delusion.

Back to my parents and they’re 42 years of marriage… I’ll forever hang on the words my mom once shared with me, she said, “Of course there were times we wanted to get divorced, we just never felt that way at the same time”. Instead of celebrating 42 years of marriage, I’d rather congratulate them on 42 years of shared values and continued growth.