Evolutionary biologist Elisabet Sahtouris has written that stress is what creates evolution in nature: Plants grow through pruning. Human beings grow the same way. When we’re faced with a situation that we can’t control or change with our current level of understanding and skill, evolutionary stress arises and impels us to question, seek, practice, and eventually take a leap outside of our comfort zones into higher levels of awareness.
From Quantum Leap, by Sally Kempton for Yoga Journal.
February 2020 | The other day, in a rundown moment of tears, my mom suggested that I should slow things down a bit. She was referring to what one may perceive as an exhausting effort to keep these boys entertained. Only it’s so much more than that. I have no interest in telling my boys much of anything, I want to show them. And I want to show them everything. These trips, especially the ones where we get to cross off a first (ie, their first time in the snow) are my exhale. Which seems like an oxymoron because no doubt they are filled with moments I can’t seem to catch my breath. I think of it like flexing a muscle and remind myself that the tough parts are what gives it all meaning. Nothing that’s easy is lasting. Let these be the times we all go to our graves with. The memories that mold them.
That said, I’ll never go to Big Bear on a holiday weekend again. And the amount of stuff needed for the snow is just not my jam. Checked it off, moving on. And grateful for my friend Cindy who came up just for the day and didn’t complain about no parking anywhere, the long wait to sit down for lunch, or the lack of snow on the ground. That’s true friendship; a reminder that it’s the people in my life that make it rich.
The yin and yang, the crowds and the sunsets. Always something to complain about, always something to be grateful for. What you water will grow.
I’ve thought a lot about values as of late. I read something recently that said if you want to know what your values and priorities are, look to the last few weeks and see what your actions show you; how we spend our time, where we spend our money, the people we call, the books we read, the food we eat and so on and so forth all tell us something about ourselves, about our values and what we prioritize. This relationship between saying and doing has helped me so much in gaining a clear vision and understanding of myself, as well as of those around me.
Which brings me to my dad… a man that has forever shown me, not merely told me. A man who has accepted less for himself so he could provide more for my sister and I. A man that I’m happy to say I can go to for advice because I wholeheartedly trust his example.
He’s not perfect. He needs naps. He keeps tortilla chips in his pocket. He sometimes looks at me like my boys are savages. He’s referred to my home as appearing “lived in”. But he’s also picked up the windex and grabbed a towel to clean my dirty windows. And my boys ARE very savagy at times. And who doesn’t like to reach into their pocket and pull out a salty, crunchy tortilla chip topped with lint? And he’s much more patient with said savages when he’s had said nap. So ya, not perfect, but perfectly human.
Thank you, dad, for forever doing the work. Your willingness, your strength, your values… I see them clear as the sky.
And a shoutout to my mom, my rock, who worked so hard behind the scenes – often unacknowledged and under-represented – so that my sister and I could come away with the memories of our dad that we do.
I also want to make space today for anyone that may be triggered by Father’s Day. I know as a newly single mom that I stumble through parts of it. To anyone in the struggle, whatever your struggle may be, there’s space for you.
In my healing from my divorce, the number one takeaway has been that I cannot change anyone but myself. And that there’s no sense in trying to convince others of my reality; that serenity is always going to come from within and is something I grant myself as opposed to waiting on someone else to change or validate my reality so that I can in-turn be serene. And yet, I can’t bridge the gap between those lessons in my personal life with what is currently going on in the world. It’s like they say, there comes a time when silence is betrayal and not using my voice is a disservice. I’m willing to sacrifice my serenity by sharing my understanding and possibly losing friends because of it. Maybe that’s self righteous to say. In any event, I have a lot to learn – we all do – but I refuse to choose the comfort of silence so I’m going to address two things I’ve addressed in my own home these past few weeks.
1. The bizarre counter movement of All Lives Matter in response to Black Lives Matter. If all lives mattered, we wouldn’t need the BLM movement. It’s really that simple. All lives don’t matter UNTIL Black lives matter. Think of a child with a broken leg. The child needs help. We direct our attention to the child and his / her broken leg. Surely that doesn’t mean that your child’s legs don’t matter. Your child’s legs aren’t broken. BLM does not mean only black lives matter. And if you’re getting it twisted, perhaps it’s time to google white fragility.
2. Last week I took my boys to a BLM paddle out in our town of San Clemente. During one of the speeches an old white man drove his motorized scooter intentionally through the crowd while honking his horn in an attempt to distract / cause a scene. I thought to myself: wow, it’s 2020 and we still live in a world where an old white man is so uncomfortable by a black man getting the mic that he has to divert attention back onto himself. And then I thought to myself: wow, the fact I only have to be shocked by that as opposed to having to live day in and day out with that is my privilege. The more I learn about privilege, the more I come to see the ways it’s padded my existence and skewed my perception. I have a lot of unlearning to do.
These posts are for me. A library of videos I’m sharing with my boys. I’ll add here as I can find the time.
“Moments of the past to give context to the present”.