39 Weeks

The last leg of pregnancy, for me, is an emotional roller coaster. The challenge is detaching myself and letting nature run her course. It’s an odd feeling to be housing a baby but have absolutely no control over when it comes out. Oftentimes I feel like people are looking to me to have some mysterious sixth sense and answer the question of when he’s coming, though I have no more control or insight over it than anyone else. I put a lot of pressure on myself and in a lot of ways I realize I dig my own hole. Van will come whenever he feels fit, I need to trust in that. Easier said than done, I assure you.
Google is my worst best friend, the kind that your mom always warned you was trouble and you knew in your heart of hearts she was right but you still couldn’t seem to turn down an invite to a sleep over. I want so desperately to waste my days researching natural induction methods and signs of impending labor. In an effort to fool myself into thinking labor is just around the corner, I’m fighting the urge to start tracking the time between my braxton hicks, which granted have gotten stronger but are still not the real thing. But the reality is no matter how much time I spend researching this or that, nature reigns all. I have no control and it’s the hardest pill to swallow this late in pregnancy.
I have tons of “what if this” and “what if that” kinda questions, questions that no professional out there can answer… Questions more appropriately asked to the magic eight ball I so naively allowed to control my fate years back when I had beaded curtains separating my closet from my room and glow in the dark stars pasted all over my ceiling. I’m anxious to say the least and it has me on edge. It’s an all too familiar feeling and the more the script seems to match the prior one, the more anxious I become.
I read a rumor the other day that the Beatles “Let it Be”, written by Paul, was written for his mother Mary who was a midwife. Needless to say, I added it to my labor playlist. I’m trying my best to let things be these days, but trust me, it’s a battle.

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6 Responses

  • Cool tidbit about “Let it be.” I can’t even imagine the anxiety. Being that I’m a fairly anxious person even when there is not a human in me, I’m not sure I could fare as well as you at this pregnancy thing! You have been very peaceful, overall, and that’s something. We all want to meet Van, but Nature will do her thing. Thinking of you, Beeze.

  • Van is going to be here so soon! That’s so exciting! I wish I could be half as cute as you are as a pregnant person. I am 24 weeks and I look like a beached whale.

  • I found your blog via ohdeardrea and I must say that we sound like we are at the exact same place. My due date was yesterday and I’ve been having very convincing braxton hicks contractions for 10 days now. It’s such a mind game! Today they are even closer together. I’m always wondering if it’s time or not. I’ve thought to myself on a couple occasions that it was labor time, only to have them die down. This being my second pregnancy, you’d think I’d be able to tell.

    Anyways, just wanted to let you know that there is someone else out there, going through something similar. Sending happy labor thoughts your way and hoping that your little one gets here safe … and SOON! 🙂


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