A photo journal comprised of my thoughts on motherhood and other life happenings, as well as some of professional work as a photographer. Southern California is home.
Lace Top: INC, purchased at Macys // Black Cami: Nordstorms // Skirt: UO (oldie but goodie) // Shoes: Style & Co. Wedges
This skirt has traveled with me to many countries. I think I’ve owned it for nearly seven years. I rarely keep anything that long. My 1957 sized closet doesn’t allow me to keep much. But it’s one of those skirts that never seems to go out of style. It’s been a long time favorite of mine. It’s perfect with a bikini on the beach in Thailand or paired with a lacy top and heels for a dinner date in Santa Monica. Do you have something in your closet that has been with you for so long that you can’t seem to part with it? Have you altered it to make it current or changed what you’ve paired it with over the years? It’s funny how if you keep something long enough, it eventually becomes “in” again.
I’m five weeks postpartum this week. Things I’ve accomplished this past week include a trip to the grocery store with two munchkins and a walk with both the littles and Sarah during the heat wave that appears to be leaving no time soon. Oh the round of applause I hear ringing in my ear makes me blush. Stoppppp (said like a bashful little girl with freckles and pig tails). Really though, we ought to celebrate the little things; otherwise our days of going to the grocery store and taking the dog for a walk would feel uneventful and unimportant and dammit it was a beautiful walk on a beautiful morning and surely the food in our fridge serves a very important purpose (if only I had the time to cook it– ha, I joke). It’s all temporary. One day I’ll be back to moving mountains and I’ll be dreaming of the days my life was centered around getting out for a morning stroll with the littles.
It was day one, on my own, with the munchkins last Thursday and I survived. Sure, there was crayon coloring on sofa pillows, self-inflicted pen markings, more Yo Gabba Gabba watched than I care to admit, milk spilled on the floor, shit left in diapers longer than usual, nap time protests, a dog that survived without being fed til the afternoon, and an air conditioning that failed (it’s been 110 degrees in the Valley as of late)… But, we survived. Things I accomplished: We all ate, I showered, took out the trash, even made time to curl my eyelashes and slap on some lipstick (because lets face it, lipstick is where it’s at when you’re in a time crunch), and I got our AC fixed. So all in all, a successful day. You better bet I did a celebratory jig. There may have even been a throw back to 1992 when the running man was where it was at. My two cents to all those mamas awaiting their second addition: It is possible.
I’d be lying if I didn’t confess that this past week has been both magical and ominous at the same time. Magical because, well you know, we created another little human. We are now a family of four and there is nothing sweeter than that. Willy has been absolutely wonderful with Van, so patient and loving. And his relationship with Hooper is stronger than ever. We’ve all really bonded and that’s why, when I look to the near future that is this week, I say things are ominous too. That’s because Willy will be returning to work. That means I will have to juggle breastfeeding the little while making meals and spoon feeding my bigger (because we all know how time consuming feeding our horribly picky and finicky eater can be). It also means that I will have to discipline the bigger one my own, which has become quite the usual occurrence this past week. The culprit is only obvious and I’m hoping that in time the transition to becoming a big brother settles in. There have been a few times where Van has been at the breast and Hooper has come up and whacked him on the head. In steps Willy and over to the corner Hooper goes for his lecture on hitting. Take Willy out of that equation and I’m not sure what to do. I picture myself pulling my hair out, but I know that will happen soon enough on it’s own so I’m not sure what I’m going to resort to. I imagine I will figure it all out and I hope that with each passing day I learn a trick here and there to help me get through the day (preferably with a shower and three meals). To be continued…
As far as recovery goes, I feel shockingly fairly close to normal. I started using the term “normal” just a few days ago and it feels oh so good to let that nice word roll off my tongue. I get a bit sore if I do too much during the day, but so long as I take care of myself, I feel almost back to normal. I will be sharing Van’s birth story on the blog tomorrow, but not included in the story is the fact that I did tear (again). It was one of my biggest fears prior to giving birth the second time and I have to admit that immediately after confirming that Van was okay, I asked, “Did I tear?”. Sure enough, the answer was “stage 3”, same as before. I dreaded recovery instantly, but I’d have to say it has been significantly easier and less painful than the first time. The body has such fantastic ways of healing and caring for itself.
Sleep hasn’t been horrible either. Would you believe me if I said there was one night Van gave me a five hour stretch? And another night a seven hour stretch? Of course those are the exceptions. Interspersed are increments of an hour, maybe two, and sometimes only 30 minutes. Keeping it positive, it’s been nice to catch up on the Olympics in the wee hours of the night as I sit like a potato on the sofa with my lovely glow worm attached to my breast.
Prior to giving birth, I worried about Hooper not being the center of my universe. I grieved the inevitable loss of time and attention I’d have with him and be able to give him. In Van’s first week of life, I’ve found the fear to be a reality. I’ve heard other mom’s to two say that it was harder for them than it was for the older child; harder to watch your first baby rely on others for things you alone used to be able to provide for them. I relate with this entirely. Hooper is fine, but as I watch him dance around me or walk out the door with his Papa to get ice cream I feel a hint of sadness. Like he’s cheating on me. This morning Willy bragged from his room, “I’m getting the longest unsolicited hug right now”. My heart sunk. I needed that hug.
That’s the downside. The upside is that, under the best of circumstances, parenting is a two person job. It’s bittersweet. Bitter to watch Willy get hugs he used to only reserve for me. Sweet to watch him embrace the man I love, the man who helped make him. I’ve watched their bond grow over the last few days and it makes it hard to complain when in actuality a beautiful thing is unraveling right before my eyes. The more time Willy spends with Hooper, the more his love for his son grows as well. So ya, there’s a lot of love flowing around these parts.
Hooper insists on holding his brother, but then can’t decide between his brother and Gabba Gabba.
The other day I was watching Hooper play with my mom. He was running in circles and giggling. I asked my mom, “What was I like at this age?”. Of course she had a general answer that summed up my personality for much of childhood, but the rest of her answer is what resonated. She said, “Honestly, I don’t remember. I know you look at him now and think you’ll never forget these moments, but you do”. I felt my heart sink into my abdominal cavity. Then I felt a strong urge to grab a video camera and begin recording, only to never stop and have the final result be one long video of my little love’s life. And then I realized that wasn’t practical for many reasons. Then reality set in. Being a mother is about appreciating moments in time, being part of moments in time, and laughing, loving, and cherishing all that is precious in those moments. Because the moments pass. And new moments take their place. And time keeps moving onward.
I look at Hooper’s little face today and try my best to fool myself into believing that I will never forget those cheeks, that grin, or the sound of that giggle. But, alas, the cheeks will change, the grin will grow, and the giggle will deepen and surely life will still be beautiful.
