Potty Training

I’m convinced of two things: 
1. There ought to be a service available to come by and potty train your kid (as suggested by a kind person on instagram, though really I don’t think anyone other than myself or Willy could actually do the deed — so I guess this is kinda a joke, but not really, because really, it sucks and there’s lots of services for lots of things that people have deemed as shitty-to-have-to-do-themselves… like Molly Maids).
2. Because there is no number one (no pun intended), there ought to be an alcohol and massage distributor that comes and makes deliveries for those suffering through the stab-myself-in-the-eye-out-of-boredom and rub-my-back-and-neck-because-I’ve-been-wiping-a-lot-o’-butt-and-floor-and-toilet-and-hands days of potty training. I guess I should be careful what I ask for, because I think there are a lot of people that are actually in the business of dispensing alcohol and massages, if you know what I mean ::nudge nudge::
I don’t really remember potty training Hooper, to be honest. I know I did it because, again, no number one existed. I also know that I followed some sort of methodology because I recall writing posts on it — posts I would probably benefit from going back and reading.
The actual peeing-in-the-potty part has been going well. The accidents all occurred on the first day and have been seldom since. Well they were seldom and then we had a few days where we were lazy, or went to Disneyland, or just said “screw it” for the sake of our sanity. Since then, there have been more accidents. We’ve ventured out without a diaper on, which feels risky in the same way as leaving the house without a tampon when you know your period is coming feels. And, no accidents in the first week or so. Then we went out to eat and left the restaurant with wet pants after Willy and I both ignored his request to go potty because he had just. went. potty. It’s draining, people, let me tell you.
The hard part, this go-around, has been dealing with a fiercely independent and downright stubborn two year old. Things like insisting that he get on and off the potty by himself, flushing the toilet for even the littlest trickle, flushing the toilet multiple times before the water has even refilled, insisting on playing with the gross plunger or the toilet bowl cleaner, sticking his hand in his urine stream, flexing his “weapon” while his peeing so the urine goes up and out of the toilet, asking why he can’t pee when it’s “big”, pulling all the toilet paper off the toilet paper roll, going potty – getting his reward – then immediately going potty again and asking for another reward (manipulative bastard, I tell ya), and throwing a tantrum because farting on the toilet is not the same as pooping on the toilet and he cannot pick a “special prize” until there is an actual log. Oh ya, and we’ve said goodbye to at least 4 toys that he has dropped in — some intentional, some accidents.
I was prepared for the patience it would take to clean up after a butt-booty-naked toddler running around and was pleasantly surprised when he caught on to where to make the mess relatively fast. But my patience has wavered considerably in dealing with everything else. Like the dump he took on the floor the other morning. Though, arguably, he did make up for it when he requested to hug and kiss the “baby” piece of poop and went on to call it “cuuuuuute”. The video of that has gotten me through some of the more challenging spots during the last few weeks.
Deep breaths and a cold one (or two) for the next few days, weeks, and months. Wish me luck.

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Shits & Giggles

That moment when your mom tells you you can have candy if you poop on the potty but you just finished pooping in your pants before your mom sat you on the toilet? Ya, it looks like

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this.

With that said, I’m done being a lazy ass; I’ve committed to potty training. What does this mean, you ask? It means that I travel with extra toddler clothing in my car. It means that when we went to the beach the other day I brought a portable toilet. It means I say, “Do you have to use the potty?” more times than I say “no”. And I say “no” a lot. It means that outside the bathroom door is a bag of M&Ms. It means I sit him on every public toilet regardless if he says he doesn’t have to go. It means that before leaving the house, in addition to putting shoes on, gathering snacks, changing Van’s diaper, getting dressed, and so on and so forth, we also sit on the toilet. It means that he wears underwear during his nap, which also means I run the risk of a nap time interruption to use the potty.
And you know what? It’s not as bad as I thought. He still refers to the public toilet scene as “scary”, but he goes when I sit him on the seat. Nap times have not suffered in the least. He’s had a few accidents, but they are few and far between and he’s able to hold his pee overnight most nights. We use a mix of underwear, training pants, and pull ups. At night we still use diapers but plan on transitioning him to pull-ups as he’s gone several nights in a row without wetting his diaper. The only box left to check was the poop box, but he’s doing that without a problem now too. I think he was holding out on us for fear of having a ghost turd… Not familiar with ghost turd?
Per Urban Dictionary:
Ghost Turd:
When you sit on the can and you can swear you’re droppin a load, but when you turn around to admire your work there’s no sign of it
Example: Oh, man, i just laid a ghost turd.
Side note: Can you spare a few seconds? You can vote daily by clicking the link below. Thank you to all who voted yesterday; I’m in third place… highest standing I’ve ever been. Woot.

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Round Three.

Round one and round two happened fairly quickly. Round three has been a slow progression, but here’s where we’re at:
Things we have checked off the list: Going on the big boy potty at home, napping in underwear, wearing underwear in public, sitting on a public toilet.
We purchased the Baby Bjorn toilet trainer, which fits nice and snug on our seat. Hooper was a little skeptical in the beginning and asked to hold my hand when he sat on it. He needs some help getting onto the toilet but does not require hand holding any longer and has both peed and pooped in the toilet. Every now and again, he’ll request to use his little portable potty and it’s on my to-do list to remove the thing so it’s no longer an option.
We started putting him down for a nap with training pants. Now, we put him down for a nap with underwear. I remind him when I put him down that he needs to call mama if he needs to go to the bathroom. I no longer remind him because the second I put him down he recites, “tell mama, tell mama”. That kids memory is sharp as a tack. The other day, however, he called me and when I came him he had already peed and pooped in his pants. He pointed it out and then said, “tell mama”. That was his first accident in a while and I’m sure they’ll be a few more along the way. More times than not, however, he’s able to hold it until he wakes up. The downside is that “holding it” has shortened his nap some, so some days I do put him in a diaper for his nap if I have a lot I need to do around the house.
We’ve ventured out in underwear. I took him to his gym class the other morning and to the grocery store and out to eat. All of the outings have been a success. I tried taking him to the bathroom at his gym class and he downright refused, clearly scared of the toilet. Those particular toilets have an unusually loud flush and it gives him the willies when I take him in with me. We tried again, with Papa’s help, when we were out to eat. He sat on the toilet, but refused to pee. So, it’s a work in progress. One step closer.
Things still lingering on the almighty potty training to-do list: Pulling down his pants on his own, getting on to the toilet on his own, using public restrooms, wearing underwear overnight.
I bought one of those on-the-go potties, but have yet to break it out. I’m questioning if I even need it and am leaning toward helping him acclimate to the public toilets instead. Has anyone used these portable potties? What do you suggest?
Also, the giveaway to Comfy Rumps is still going on if you want to enter to win a pair of training pants for your little potty trainer.

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Mama's Corner

Wearing: This dress is from ModCloth. I wore it in the beginning of my pregnancy with Van. I paired it with black leggings and some old black suede boots that I’ve had for years. Dresses with pockets are always my favorite. And, as an added bonus, Hooper likes the birds on it and refers to me as “prit-tee” when I wear it. It goes without saying that I want to wear it everyday and if it weren’t for the spit up, I probably would.
Celebrating: My hair is growing back. I’ve bitched and moaned long enough and finally the postpatum hairloss gods have heard my cries. On top of my head are tiny little sprouts of hair yearning to make me look ridiculous in the months to come, like little antennas endlessly searching for a signal.
Recovering: Hooper, Van, and I all have colds. This has resulted in Van not taking solids, which has resulted in more nighttime feedings in addition to cough attacks due to post nasal drip. This, in turn, has resulted in complete and utter exhaustion for me, as well as a decrease in patience. Hooper’s been testing boundaries left and right as of late, so yeah, hoping we can all be healthy again soon.
Dreading: Willy has been working a lot. He took on a new position at the company he works for and it’s meant longer days and weekend business trips. He is out of town right now and, let me tell you, this single parent thing sucks.
Wanting: More energy. I’m not a coffee drinker. I’m thinking I should tell my taste buds to kiss my ass and throw back a few of those espresso shots like they were shots of vodka in my college days.
Listening: Lucero, “She Wakes When She Dreams”. I’m such a sucker for a deep raspy voice. His voice brings tears to my eyes and forces me to listen, and then hit repeat.
Trying: To shake the travel bug. I’ve been daydreaming of far away places and though the possibility feels at least a year or so away, I’m banking on the fact that time has been flying.
Juggling: Diapers vs. underwear. Not for myself; For Hooper. Some days I just don’t have the potty training energy. He is doing really well, however, and I owe ya’ll a round three update. You can read about round one and two, if you wish.
Side note: A friendly reminder that the giveaway to etsy shop Moonbeatle ends tomorrow. You can enter five different ways to win FORTY SMACK-ER-ROOS to Fritha’s lovely store. You can’t win if you don’t enter. 

Round Two.

Things I’ve said a lot of this week: “Sarah, stop licking Hooper’s butt” and “Hooper, stop touching your dong”. Here’s the recap:
Day #1
We started the day by collecting his diapers and throwing them into the trash. Hoop enjoyed this. Then we spent the morning watching cartoons while he sat on his potty. I fed him breakfast, on his potty. At some point, probably after an hour of sitting there, he stood up and pointed to the potty. Inside, there was urine. We celebrated. We high-fived. He got a piece of candy. We called Papa at work. Then he played. I reminded him of the potty and told him if he wanted more candy, he had to make piss in the potty. Then the fly by happened.
What’s the fly by, you ask? He literally flew by the potty, stuck his butt in it’s direction, and shot (and I mean shot as in like a bullet from a gun) a large size piece of shit out of his butt. The log struck the side of the toilet and streaked it’s way down to the floor. I told him to step away as I could tell he wanted to sit on the potty. He ran off in excitement and pissed in the corner. He may have pissed in the potty had I not shooed him away.
Nonetheless, there were hits and there were misses. It was day one. There was cheers and candy and there was paper towels and vinegar. All in all, a success. A start. 
Day #2
I had intended to sacrifice three full days to only potty training. But, alas, life happens and staying home for three days straight doesn’t always work out. I had a commitment to keep, so on went the diaper so my mom could take Hoop to his little class and I could go fulfill my obligation. After his morning nap, potty training reconvened. He sat on the potty long enough to eventually pee in it and we jumped for excitement once again. I gave him a piece of candy and on he went to play with his cars.
I reminded him of the potty often and used candy as encouragement. At one point he went over on his own and sat on the toilet, stood up a minute later and yelled, “yeah guys!”. I looked in the pot and there was nothing there. As he scampered away, however, I noticed some shit stuck between his cheeks. Then he straddled his bike and got shit on his bike. Then he poked the shit on his bike seat with his finger. So… not exactly a slam dunk, but definite progress. The realization that I will eventually have to teach him to wipe his butt dawned on me and the idea of keeping him in diapers fo’ life started to become more dreamy than ever.
Then he peed on the sofa. And later, again, on the floor. And that was day two.
Day #3
We spent the morning watching cartoons while sitting on the potty. I’m getting cartooned out, by the way. I hate relying on that thing, but it has been a good facilitator for potty training. I also googled “How to potty train” for the first time and can’t say I learned anything I didn’t instinctively already know. Anyway, I fed him breakfast while he sat on the potty. He got up a few times to play and would sporadically come back to the potty to sit down on his own. At one point, you could hear piss shooting into the pot and we both looked at each other with wild excitement. There wasn’t a whole lot of pee and I came to the conclusion that the excitement of it all must have stopped him mid-stride. We celebrated. He immediately said, “Can-dee, can-dee”. He’s part human, part Pavlov’s dog. Even more than the candy, I learned, he likes helping me clean up; dumping the piss into the toilet, spraying the potty with vinegar (101 uses for vinegar, right?), and flushing the toilet. I also gave him a sticker (thanks @lishyloo) and not but 5 minutes later he sat down and peed again, presumably finishing his job prior. Either that or he’s getting too smart and has learned to segment his piss to get more treats. Two year olds sure have a way of pulling the fast ones on us, don’t they? In any case, we celebrated again and cleaned up again.
Day #4 and onward
I’ll spare you the day by day shenanigans because while some seem to say “it took 3 days and that was that”, I can tell that won’t be the case for us. For starters, he naps a lot. I’m talking like he still takes a FOUR hour nap during the day and sometimes another two hour nap in the evening. I know, I know, he sleeps a lot. And, no, he does not have chronic fatigue syndrome. I laughed when someone had suggested that. I digress, but the naps make it difficult to potty train if I’m constantly slapping a diaper on for him to sleep in. Sometimes he only pisses one time before he’s ready to sleep again. So I only get so many opportunities in a day to potty train. And I’m not comfortable, yet, to leave the house without a diaper on. Wow, I just re-read that sentence and now it sounds like I’m the incontinent one. Let me re-phrase that: I’m not comfortable, yet, to leave the house without a diaper on Hooper. Whew, I feel better now that I made that correction. So, I don’t know. That’s where we’re at. I suppose I’ll keep going with the naked thing for the time that we’re home and awake and then, when he has a better grasp on that concept, I’ll start swapping out the diaper with the undies. What do ya’ll think? Is that a good plan? I will say, however, that by day 5 he was 4 for 4 and has not had an accident since. So, perhaps we are getting somewhere. Now we just need to work on clothing him once again and encouraging him to communicate that he’s gotta go… Round three will be coming your way.
You can read about round one here.

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Round One.

So I was motivated to start potty training last week. Yes, I’m already speaking in the past tense. Hooper was ready. I, however, was not.
I remember when we first brought Sarah home. She was three months and we trained her to sleep in a crate. Every morning there would be piss and shit in her crate until we decided we would take turns getting up at 2am to let her out to pee. Eventually she caught on and after a while she was able to hold it until morning. It really wasn’t so difficult, in the end.
Fast forward to two kids later.
I opted to go the naked route, at first. I brought the potty out and sat it in the middle of the room and for the first hour it seemed all we talked about was the potty. I repetitively asked him if he wanted to use it. I encouraged him to sit down on it. I gave him a piece of candy to try to keep him on it. And then he pissed in the corner.
I cleaned it up and thought maybe it would be better to put underwear on him so he could feel what it’s like to be wet. And then he pissed while riding his toy car around.
And then I realized I was too tired from being up the night before with Van and I put a diaper on. Someone please send the bad mom award this way. I know consistency is key so I’m going to tackle it another day… when I have more energy and patience and a few consecutive days off work in a row to really give it the good ol’ fashion try. So yeah, along with the bad mom award can you also send energy, patience, and consecutive days off work?
Looking at my little boy in those undies might be the biggest motivator of all…
And… I do have some consecutive days off work this week, so  round 2 is currently in progress. Wish me luck. And share any tips. I have no idea what I’m doing…

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