Portrait Series | March

family portrait series

family portrait series

A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Got put on laundry duty during March Madness and spent a good 5 unnecessary minutes berating me about my underwear, referring to them as homeless looking. Buy me new ones, fucker, buy me new ones.

Hooper: Had so much dirt caked on his neck that I became convinced he developed a birthmark as if developing a birthmark is a thing. I also thought his eyebrows were starting to grow in funny; also, dirt.

Van: Came down in one of Sonny’s shirts compliments of Hooper who had mistakenly hung up Sonny’s shirts with their own. The mid-drift (aka mini-man-drift) combined with the complete lack of awareness made for a good laugh.

Sonny: Pooped out one of the “cuties” stickers found on the little oranges prompting me to consider a hashtag of #thingsfoundinsonnyspoop.

Me: Got distracted the other morning while making the boys breakfast and didn’t realize I left their eggo waffles, which was a huge portion of what we were calling breakfast this particular morning, in the toaster. Came home that afternoon to find two limp, sad waffles. Gave em to Sonny instead. Kidding. But still, Mom fail.

Jimmie: Will be the reason we invent nighttime quiet shoes for dog and become millionaires. His nickname is clink clanks.

Portrait Series | February

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Willy: Celebrated another year of life.

Hooper: Asked why eleven isn’t called ‘one-teen’. Also lost his first tooth.

Van: Saw a Marine walk into Staples and asked if he was the president.

Sonny: Managed to open one of his dirty diapers Willy had tossed to the side and was found playing with a nug of poop.

Me: Hid a pair of Willy’s basketball shorts because they’re gross and no man should wear them only to find out he has an identical back up pair. So I hid those too. And instead of asking where they are, I’m pretty sure he just bought a new pair because they never seem to go away.

Jimmie: Politely got called ‘fat’ by our contractor who hasn’t been here for months (and by ‘hasn’t been here for months’ what I mean is hasn’t finished work he started months ago).

Portrait Series | January

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A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Willy: Used some choice four letter words to a woman who gave us the stink eye, followed by the finger, after Sonny let out a few ridiculously excited, albeit loud, sheiks at a restaurant we love but will no longer be returning to.

Hooper: Sported pull-ups during his third bout with a stomach bug cuz, hashtag shits, no giggles. Two days after he recovered he made himself lunch that consisted of moldy sandwich meat and proceeded to tell me, “don’t worry, I ate around the dark circles”.

Van: Attests that if you put onion in your eye it makes your eyes ‘sour’.

Sonny: Pooped out a small green lego.

Me: Got hit on at the 99 cent store while visiting a friend in the Valley. It’s worth noting.

Jimmie: Refuses to eat his own barf despite my encouragement for him to do so.

Portrait Series | October

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Willy: Turned Van’s sour-morning-mood with a game of pull-my-finger. Also spent last night watching rats in the backyard and is gloating over his homemade rat trap.

Hooper: In recognition that I could do more at once with more hands, told me he wished I had 100 hands. Also confessed that he’s been hiding candy in his underwear.

Van: You could measure the fun he’s had in a day by how much pee you can ring out of his pants. Hashtag: pee breaks are for losers. Also called me a punk and then proceeded to ask if punk is a bad word.

Sonny: Has replaced his morning whale flaps with the cutest raspberries. And manly farts.

Me: Got called out by one of Hooper’s little friends who told a uniformed firefighter that I allow Van to have soda, pointing out the fact that soda ‘has sugar in it’ and is ‘bad’ for you.

Jimmie: Has taken to spending most nights alone in the spare bedroom. If you knew how dependent he was you’d understand why this is so perplexing.

Portrait Series | August 2016

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Willy: Requested a ‘nice shower cap’ for Christmas. Right now he looks like a lunch lady in the shower.

Hooper: Gave himself a wedgie and then said, “Look mom, I got girl underwear”.

Van: Saw a man in a motorized wheelchair in the store and said, loud enough for him and others to hear, “I’m not going to make fun of him because he’s old”.

Sonny: I’m considering holding onto the wax that comes out of his ear and surprising him on his sweet sixteen with a nice candle. Because, ya know, hashtag: organic. Hashtag: homegrown.

Me: “I used to only get annoyed when they’d fight. Now I’m annoyed even when they get along”. Said after several hours in the car all together when the boys were playing a really fun game that involved a lot of high pitch screaming.

Jimmie: Got caught drinking out of a big ol’ bowl where yellow was mellowing causing one to wonder just how often that happens, but goes unnoticed.

Portrait Series, 2016 | March

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Willy: expressed a desire to have his hair grow faster and asked if men can take prenatal vitamins.

Hooper: Reached full blown kid status after naturally ripping holes in two pairs of his jeans within the same week.

Van: Has been so strong willed as of late he has be wondering if the Leo within has surfaced or if the middle child phenomenon really is a thing.

Sonny: Consistently thinks my nipple is on my arm no matter how many times I direct his rooting mouth back to the center of my body.

Me: Combating some serious feelings of baby fever already… Wondering if I’ll ever be content calling it quits on this baby making gig.

Jimmie: Lost some degree of interest in Sonny just as soon as his smelly umbilical stump fell off.

Portrait Series, 2016 | January

San Clemente Family Photographer-9211 San Clemente Family Photographer-9230A portrait of my family once a month in 2016

Good golly miss Molly, talk about waiting for the last minute. Here I am lowering my expectations of myself — having dedicated myself to “a portrait a week in 2015”, which quickly turned into “a portrait a week, most weeks, in 2015″ and ended with “a portrait a week, some weeks, in 2015″ — and still, this go-around giving myself an entire month to snap a pic and here I am just nearly missing the cut off or making the cut off for all those optimists out there. Yes, let’s start this new year off optimistically. I made it! It’s still January, dammit.

Willy: Literally stopped and pulled the car around to show us all the biggest tumbleweed any of us have ever seen. Sometimes the little things really are the big things. No pun intended. But seriously, if you live in Southern California, helllllllllo El Nino.

Hooper: Came home from school and told me he kissed a girl two times (once on the elbow, I might add) and followed it up with, “Mama, I realllllllly like girls”.

Van: Has reestablished the familiar scab between his eyebrows, which happens when he sucks his thumb and uses his adjacent index finger to simultaneously pick at that area. For the record, that means he’s got his thumb in his mouth, his index finger picking that area between his eyebrows, and his other hand on his head, playing with his hair. Hashtag: multitasker.

Me: Have been googling “how many weeks pregnant am I” more and more because I still forget, but also because the countdown, when on my computer screen in terms of days instead of weeks makes it all feel closer. Thirty four days until I reach my due date… never mind the fact I’m destined to go past it.

Jimmie: Remains in these portraits, whether he’s invited or not… The most cooperative member from 2015 starting off 2016 with the same agreeability. Hashtag: he goes where his people go.San Clemente Family Photographer-9191 San Clemente Family Photographer-9192 San Clemente Family Photographer-9197

Forty Five

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A portrait of my family once a week, most weeks, in 2015

Willy: Tried blaming a fart-in-public on me but both boys called him out and said, “but mama doesn’t fart that much”.

Hooper: Made a necklace for a little girl in his class and actually gave it to her. He’s colored many pictures for her too but none have made it into her hands. Can’t believe this crush thing happens so early.

Van: Insists on wearing this sweatshirt despite the still-summer-like weather (minus the cold front that seems to have just rolled in). He asked me to take his shirt off yesterday, claiming he was too hot and thus needed his sweatshirt. His love for the sweatshirt is real but his reasoning is a bit skewed.

Me: Was coasting through what quickly became the second trimester only to now feel like all of my insides are going to fall out of my vagina at any moment.

Jimmie: Barfed but then cleaned it up himself. I told the boys to take notes.52weekproject-b

Forty One

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A Portrait of my family once a week, most weeks, in 2015

Willy: Has begun asking me if he’s having good hair days. It’s awkward.

Hooper: Came upstairs to request a new shirt because the one he had on was soaking wet. When I inquired about the wet shirt he told me, “it’s a very, very, very, verrrrrrry long story”. Apparently I’m pretty good at summarizing long stories because I can tell this long story in just one sentence: I was playing with the water in the downstairs bathroom.

Van: Spun around in a bunch of circles and then told me, “Look Mama, the house is tipping”, expecting me to be just as dizzy as he.

Me: Stood up on the bed only to be hit by the blades of the fan, which are spinning quite fast on these hot summer (I mean fall, hashtag: ?) days. If parenting alone doesn’t kill a few braincells, the fan definitely did.

Jimmie: Had an upset stomach and shit on the rug I bragged about thrifting for $35. It wasn’t the kind of shit that could be cleaned off, if you catch my drift. Y…yay. 52weekproject-b

 

Thirty Seven

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A portrait of my family once a week, most weeks, in 2015

Willy: Tied for MVP at the bachelor party he attended in Austin last weekend. The person who returned to me resembled anything but an MVP.

Hooper: Pointed out that ‘P is for penis’; a celebration in sorts for tackling the ol’ alphabet but a defeat when you consider parenting styles, I suppose.

Van: Held up four fingers requesting four Mike & Ikes but when I asked him how many that was he said, “I dunno”. Made me want to go to my employer with my arms stretched out to my side and say, “I want this much of a raise”.

Me: Swallowed a little bit of Listerine during a failed attempt at multitasking; a reminder to self that you cannot sustain a good enough gurgle while attempting to return emails. Filed that under ‘regrets in life’ right behind accidentally using shampoo to clean my face instead of face wash… cuz’ that happened this week, too.

Jimmie: Hangs out with whoever is furthest from the front door. Allow me to translate: has major separation issues, still.
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Thirty Four

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Willy: Stepped in dog poop. It wasn’t Jimmie’s.
Hooper: Killed a moth, by accident, then sadly said, “I’m gonna put him here on the rock so he can grow back”.
Van: Learned how to use a pencil sharpener and referred to his pencil as “getting a haircut”. Speaking of haircuts, he needs one.
Me: Gosh it’s hard to write about yourself without saying how much you have to do or how tired you are. Who’s with me? My heart is happy, my desk is messy. How’s that?
Jimmie: Has the fastest tongue in the west, no doubt. Also is able to lick his butt. You do the math. 52weekproject-b

 

 

Twenty Eight

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A portrait of my family once a week, most weeks, in 2015
Willy: “Vogue”, by Madonna, came on the radio. Willy turned and looked at me and inquired, “Paula Abdul?” and when I gave a look of ridiculous disgust he quickly tried to correct himself and inquired, “Janet Jackson”?
Hooper: Told me he loves Fridays because it sounds like french fries.
Van: Has been going through at least three pairs of underwear a day because he insists on dribbling before he, um, shoots and then refuses to wear anything with even the slightest amount of dribble.
Me: Got my hair caught in the fan of the hairdryer. Twice.
Jimmie: Has served as the intended target of the boys’ nerf gun attacks, but remains a good sport, always.
Honored to have the folks over at Let the Kids reach out to me about featuring this series. You can check it out by clicking here
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Twenty Five

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Willy: Spent Father’s Day alone with the boys because I had to work. Also bought himself a new gun, so, well, retail therapy. 
Hoop: Killed a moth, by accident. Then sadly said, “I’m gonna put him here on the rock so he can grow back”. 
Van: Insisted on wearing his backpack into a restaurant because his back “could get cold”. Also insisted on wearing his hiking boots to bed because, well, his feet could get cold. Ooooobviously. 
Me: Plucked three grey hairs. I can account for the birth of each one. I can account for the birth of a million more, I’m just waiting to find them. 
Jimmie: Stayed with my lovely parents while we were in Montana and enjoyed all the extra walks and attention. That’s not to say he didn’t greet us with an anxious / nervous barf… because he did and if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be Jimmie. 52weekproject-b

Twenty Two

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A portrait of my family once a week, most weeks, in 2015
Willy: Cleaned out several things from the garage; old door panels we took parts from for the Jeep, an extra windshield, an old weight bench, and several other odds n’ ends. He packed it all up into the back of the truck, where it sat all week. I hoped someone would come by and steal some of it, but I’ve become more and more convinced of the goodness in people because every time I hope something gets stolen, it never does. I thought I’d be writing this update and that the stuff would still be in the back of the damn truck, but lo and behold Willy finally got around to calling a hauling company to come pick it up.
Hooper: Will be starting transitional kindergarten in the fall at a new school. He’s not stoked about leaving his friends and when I confirmed the fact that his best buddy won’t be at his new school he whimpered and told me, “mama, water’s coming out my eyes”. And, it was.
Van: Got upset with Hooper for taking his sticks, declaring “Imma gonna remove your bones and blood”. Also, refuses to eat certain meals and with a plate of food in front of him declares he is “full” and goes on to request a snack in the same sentence. Snacks > meals, in the world of Van. And me, too, if you’re asking.
Me: Hand dyed the dress I’m wearing in this picture because Madewell is not made so well. In any event, my hands would lead you to believe I’m part smurf from all the dying I’ve been doing lately.
Jimmie: Has been officially kicked off our bed due to his middle of the night antics.

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Twenty One

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A portrait of my family once a week, most weeks, in 2015
Willy: Is no longer super stoked by this series but is being a good-ish sport about it nonetheless. Also got his hair trimmed; he’s holding strong on growing his hair out — something I only support because I don’t want to hear him bitch about why I let him cut his hair when he does give in and – in turn – misses his long lovely manly locks.
Hooper: I swear someone has given him meth or speed or whatever amps you up because he has been a torpedo the last few days; eating like mad, forgoing his nap (insert sad face), and buzzing around like spinning top.
Van: Thinks attaching the word ‘poop’ to just about anything constitutes a joke; like when we drove through a tunnel the other day and he said, ‘tunnel poop’, and proceeded to giggle to himself.
Me: I’ve been overly exhausted, trying to get back on track I suppose. Willy granted me an hour and half nap the other day, which was heavenly. I went on to finish six loads of laundry that day so sometimes I just need a little juice in the ol’ engine. Also, I have the smallest head and I feel like my head is swimming anytime I wear a hat. I’m considering trolling the junior sections for a smaller one — unless someone knows of a hat that comes in a very small x-small?
Jimmie: Has been wandering our room at night and has thus landed himself back in the crate to sleep. If he’d just stay perched at the end of our bed like he used to, he’d have a nice warm cuddle session with our feet. But, you know, there’s not talking sense to him.
Weekly Resolution: We were supposed to have a vegetable each night at dinner. All these resolutions seem manageable in theory… but in reality we are rarely home for dinner all seven days of the week. With that said, we missed a few days and there was also the day we had the neighbors over for pizza so we missed that day too. We suck at this resolution bit, but our intentions are good.52weekproject-bClick To Vote For Us @ Top Baby Blogs Directory!

Twenty

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Willy: Gifted me a trip to visit Janet for Mother’s Day. We’re in the Dominican Republic right now, actually, celebrating some of his resent accomplishments through work, so he’s making big waves in my world this week. So grateful, so proud.
Hooper: Woke up in the middle of the night looking for one of his stuffed animals. If you saw how many things this kid sleeps with, you’d know why I’m considering barricading him in with toddler rails on both sides. It would sure beat having to get up in the middle of the night to retrieve a fallen monkey, or book, or stick, or ??
Van: Insists on wearing his high top Converse. I’m sure I’ve mentioned the fact that the jokes on me because I thrifted them for $3 and they’ve caused nothing but trouble. His interest in them has hit a new height; he insists on wearing them all the time despite the fact they are a size too small and require you to unlace them entirely just to get his foot in. He even insisted on wearing them during his nap. He woke up mid-nap crying for me to tie  one of the laces that had become untied. He later woke up butt booty naked, having had taken off all of his clothes, but those trusty Converse? They were still on.
Me: Had a booth at the Mermade Market last week, which was exciting to be a part of. Did any of you attend? It was nice that I didn’t have to be there and nice to have the inventory that didn’t sell folded, tagged, and ready to go. So, a win-win.
Jimmie: Is rather reluctantly adjusting to all of our coming and going as of late. But he’s officially the-dog-that-sleeps-with-us-in-bed, something neither Hooper nor Van can say much about, so… I try not to feel too guilty.
Weekly Resolution: Whatta know? We’re gone again… so no picking from the jar until next week, when hopefully I can get caught up with laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning and, well, life in general. 52weekproject-b

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Nineteen

338A4884-349A portrait of my family once a week, for most of the weeks, in 2015
Playing catch up here…
Willy: Caught more crabs than we had buckets for.
Hooper: Pronounces “lobster” as “whompster” and “hibiscus” as “hibiscuit”. Also told me he needed a tissue because a booger was coming out and it was “running fast”. Told a stranger on the beach a long and embellished story about a “mean whale” that comes and eats buckets on the beach when no one is looking… only the story was much longer, included lots of hand motions, and was told as one run-on sentence.
Van: I asked Van, as I periodically do, what he wants to do when he grows up. He said he wants to be a cowboy, which he’s said before, after he gave up on his dreams of becoming a turtle. But when asked what he wanted to do as a cowboy, he said he wanted to pick pumpkins.
Me: Spent the kids’ nap time poolside, everyday.
Jimmie: Per the photos we saw, enjoyed his dog sitter. He greeted her (after we got home and she came over to drop off the key) by peeing on her leg.
Weekly Resolution: We resolved to enjoy our vacation. It wasn’t hard. 52weekproject-b

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Sixteen

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Willy: Was golfing when I took these photos. Ya snooze, ya lose.
Hooper: Asked if it’s going to be Christmas soon. Twice. He says he wants a new dump truck (the wheels on his old one fell off). Also refers to a roly poly coming out of it’s ball as a roly poly ‘hatching’.
Van: Suddenly became interested in potty training and likes to pick out his big boy choines on his own. He refers to the small slit in boys underwear as a ‘pocket’ and makes his selection based on the biggest ‘pocket’ and then proceeds to stick his toy cars in the slit. Also, told me he was going to fart on me and then – sure enough – turned around, put his butt on my leg, and farted on me. Twice.
Me: I have too many sunglasses, really, but my favorite pair are the cheapest pair and the only pair that essentially cannot be replaced. I bought them from the Melrose Flea Market years ago. They have gone missing several times; like the time I couldn’t find them for months, blamed it on our move, and begrudgingly accepted the possibility of never finding them again. Only then they turned up in the undercarriage of the stroller, that we never use. Well, on Monday, I stepped on them. Gone for good.
Jimmie: Played with a boxer puppy at the dog park and then came home and peed in the house twice. That happens when he’s too tired to get up and ring his bell. And yes, he has a bell he rings. He’s not so dumb after all, is he?52weekproject-b

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Fifteen

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A portrait of my family once a week, every week except for last week, in 2015
Willy: Went hunting around his parent’s yard with his brother in search of black widows (found two) and scorpions all in the name of ‘showing the boys’, but it ought to be noted that no one seemed to get as much pleasure out of his shenanigans than himself and his brother. Funny to watch the big brothers teach the little brothers.
Hooper: Told me he was going to eat me up as part of a goodnight feast. This was right after he told me that I smell good and look tasty. He also said he would cook me in the fire and put peanut butter on me. I told him, “You’re going to be in big trouble, Mister”, to-which-he-replied, “I’m not Mister, I’m Hooper”. And he went to bed.
Van: Confessed that he didn’t make ca-ca, but he did fart and that there may be boogers in his diaper. Not sure what that even means. Also, got in trouble for hitting Jimmie to-which-he argued, “but he’s licking my jammies”. I told him that Jimmie is licking him because he loves him, to-which-he said, “He don’t love jammies, jammies don’t talk”.
Me: Still battling an annoyingly achy neck, but started physical therapy (again) this week and hope to be feeling better soon. Feeling overwhelmed, too, with how busy things are going to be in the next few months. Trying desperately to stay organized while fighting the crankiness that comes with a sore neck.
Jimmie: Got his moment in the spotlight with an instagram campaign for Nutrish Dog Food. Also had several Mexican standoffs with the feral cats in Arizona.
Weekly Resolution: We resolved to open our mail every single day. Fortunately we both shrugged this one off, relief filling our veins because we’ve been doing pretty good with keeping up with the mail. We’re both dreading the week we pick that little tiny paper out of the jar that says we can’t watch any TV. 52weekproject-b

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Thirteen

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A portrait of my family once a week, every week, in 2015
Willy: Bounced back surprisingly fast from his trip to Vegas. Also finally used the new smoker he purchased and made some killer chicken wings. I was taking Jimmie for a walk while he was cooking and I’m pretty sure I could smell the applewood smoke from blocks away. If you could eat a camping trip, it’d taste like Willy’s smoked chicken wings. It might be the buy of the century.
Hooper: Was being an a-hole and got threatened with a time out on the patio. He asked how long the time out would be for and Willy told him he may have to spend the whole night out there, to-which-he-begrudgingly replied, “people don’t spend the night out here, roly polies sleep out here”. Then when he saw Willy doing something he wanted to be a part of, he asked to help him. Willy declined, reminding him he was on timeout, to which Hooper replied, “That’s what love is though… like when I help you take suitcases up to the hotel room”. Sometimes it’s hard to keep him in timeout. First borns sure seem to know the way to your heart, don’t they?
Van: Was asked to interpret Jimmie’s barking and stated, “He’s saying he pooped in the refrigerator”. I swear he’s never watched Anchorman.
Me: Have been trying how to navigate how to get the boys to stop hitting me. In the words of one of my favorites, I don’t know if I’m the boxer or the bag.
Jimmie: Barks in the morning when he knows one of us is available to fill his bowl but it remains empty. He’s not too bright, but he’s certainly not dumb. 52weekproject-b

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