Acting with Intention

The other week I turned down a guy that asked me on a date. He’s the first person that’s asked me on a date since my divorce. Because of this, I felt obligated to say yes. And I did, initially.

I’ve questioned how dating would go down for an old school gal that’s not into dating apps. Not yet, anyway 😉

My neighbor, who is a dear friend, mentioned to me the other day how she’s hoped for me to find a partner — one that’s deserving. The other day my friend told me she wants me to get my groove back. Another friend asked me if I was interested in dating at all.

Not intended pressure, but rather a hope rooted in societies view that to be happy, we must be partnered. To be whole, we must be paired with an equal half.

And yet, we’re not born as half a human. We’re whole, on our own.

I can see how this may read as a single woman’s plight to justify her alone-ness. Siri wants to autocorrect aloneness to loneliness and I have to correct her while I laugh at the irony. The two – alone versus lonely – are vastly different. I hear Dr. Dog in my head,

And we’re sitting in the rain
And we’re feeling like the weather.
You could say that we’re alone
But we’re lonely together.

I’m far less lonely now than I was when I was married.

The truth is, I’m not into dating another because I’m dating myself. I really need this time to be with me. I’ve been through a trauma that has resulted in so much confusion, self-doubt, and feelings of unworthiness. I’m acutely aware of my broken pieces; of the gaps in my chain, the holes in my field. Putting in the time and work to heal feels like the ultimate act of self-care, of self-love.

My mantra that I say to myself, especially on the nights where I’m awoken from my own racing heart, is “you are enough”. But it’s not enough to say it, I also have to act on it — to treat myself with respect, compassion, and love.

How does self-worth translate into different actions?

It means saying no when I feel a societal obligation to say yes. And it means giving the time, attention, and nurturing I’m led to believe that I owe to others, to myself.

It seemed fitting that the same day I turned down the date, a dear friend sent me a text about wanting to go to Mexico and asked if I wanted to go check it out with her.

I’m paying much more attention to the intention that drives my actions; taking notice of what I say yes to and what I say no to. Learning to love myself truly is turning out to be the greatest love of all.

Now excuse me while I exit stage left to go jam hard on Whitney Houston while I pack for Mexico.

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