Surgery & Nesting

Planning a major surgery reminds me a lot of planning for another child. They are the same in that I have this impending feeling of doom looming over me; that feeling that things are about the change in a major way first for the bad and then for the good.
Just like those final weeks of pregnancy, my surgery has been consuming my everyday thoughts. The sense of uncertainty is the same; is everything going to be okay, how will the kids handle not having me like they’re used to, how will my family deal with caring for my household, how will I feel handing over my household… The sense of wonder is the same; how will I feel, how will I look, how will I recover…
And, I’m nesting. It’s crazy. I suddenly feel this mad rush to get everything in order. I have multiple to-do lists; one of them even has “clean out email inbox” on it. You know you’re in trouble when cleaning up your online mess makes the list… I mean no one even sees that mess. Other things I want to do: clean out the kids drawers (I can just see someone else dressing my kids in clothes that are too small because ‘they were in the drawer’… and God forbid they be put in clothes that are too small), stock up on things like paper towels (because God forbid we run out), organize my closet, etc, etc. I’m becoming a raging lunatic, I tell ya.
It dawned on me that I’m scared. And just in saying that out loud I get that choked up feeling in the back of my throat. My life is not only about me anymore and it’s scary to think of my family… my loving husband, my two perfect boys… all while I’m being put to sleep and a surgeon, with my life in his hands, cranks on my spine and reconfigures it using nuts and bolts. It’s terrifying.
The uncertainty, the wonder, the fear… it’s been consuming me. And like a light bulb, I realize now why I’ve been zooming all over the place as of late; I’m trying desperately to pass the time.
But the time has come. Ready or not.
Tomorrow will be the first of a few guest posts I have planned from some awesome friends

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that have been so kind as to fill in in my absence. I also have quite a bit of catching up to do… more bits + pieces for the last few months, portraits of the kiddos to share, our last trip to Palm Springs that I have yet to post, some Insta-meets, some photo sessions, a final post on breastfeeding, and a new travel series I want to start… I thought you would be hearing some crickets, but turns out I’m so behind that I’m ahead. Ha!

In any event, please keep me and my family in your thoughts this week. And thank you, always, for your love and support.

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10 Responses

  • sending you love, healing thoughts and peace of mind. surely no one can do it like you, and your boys will miss you, but they’ll also be fine. you’re gonna rock this surgery!

  • We’ve been praying for you and the family! We’ll continue to do so! I know Patrick and I are out here, but please let us know if there is even the simplest thing we can do to help! We love you!!! God bless!!!

  • I’m sure the nesting and planning is your way of dealing with the anxiety. We really are the same person, after all! Ha. I get choked up too, Ash. It’s just like you said–it will be very bad, then very good. I want to do all I can to be there for you. Love you to pieces.

  • You have multiple layers of family, friends, buddies and acquaintances — use them! You know if you need to you can always have me come get your kids and bring them to my house and once they enter boy land, they’ll never want to leave. Always there for you — K.

  • i hope all goes well! you are doing what you need to do for your health; which in my opinion is the best thing you can do for your family. good luck!!

  • Thinking of you. My friend had the surgery when she was in 7th grade and has a kick ass scar to prove it. Just think, you are doing this for your health and well being, such a strong mama you are, and as weird as it may sound, you are lucky to be able to have this surgery. You’re almost there! xoxo

  • I prayed for you earlier this evening.

    It’s a scary thing to know you will be without control of your family, your home, etc., but I also know from experience that it is a blessing to let others help you. I’m sure you will be surrounded by family and friends that will be right by your side through all of this.

    Be strong sweet mama! xoxo

  • You’ve been on my mind and in my positive thoughts. I truly hope everything goes as planned and you recover well. Use all the support you have and heal yourself. You are an amazing woman.


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