On Loving a Second

Ready for a dose of honesty? It took me longer to love Van than it did Hooper. I was a bit surprised by it because everything I read, prior to giving birth, talked about how your love multiplies rather than divides and blah blah blah. It wasn’t like that for me; not right away, at least.
When I was handed Hooper, on the operating room table, I loved him instantly. I immediately felt protective. And despite his swollen face and cone shaped head, I thought he was the most beautiful thing alive.
None of this is to say that my love for Van wasn’t instant as well. It was. I felt protective of him too. But there was a difference.
I learned, through loving Hooper, that my capacity for love on the day he was born piddled in comparison to the love I had for him just a few months later. It’s like the song says, I love him more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.
So when Van was born, I loved him, but I knew that love would only grow bigger; I knew the love I had that day was naive to the love it would grow to be.
And I was right. Because the love I have for this little guy today blows any emotion that I referred to as love before out of the water. Right around the third to fourth month of life, he stole my heart. And now, at six months, he owns me.
And two more, for the sake of love and war:

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13 Responses

  • Van is stealing my heart now too. As an aunt to these cuties, I found it hard to bond with both of them until around the 6-month mark. The smiles change everything. Now I miss them like crazy when it’s been too long, and I think about them all the time.

    Love you!

  • I’ve been following your blog for some time and I recently had my second child. It’s reassuring to hear how the love grows with time. The first weeks/months are hard because the babies are so needy yet they don’t give you a lot of feedback other than cries and dirty diapers. I know there will be smiles and coos and giggles in time… Your boys seem so sweet and your blog is a pleasure to read.

    • Ya, I think the first time around you are blind to the difficulties because the miracle of life alone has stolen your heart. But the second time around, the newborn phase kinda just feels like a lot of work. I feel comfortable saying this now that I’m in the giggle and coo phase and it’s safe to say that I definitely love the little guy just as much… Thanks for the compliment on my blog πŸ™‚

  • Ashley, those boys, how lucky are you to have TWO to steal your heart (and how lucky are they to have you)! If only we could grow extra hearts to hold all that baby love in. xx

  • Hi! I just stop by for the first time to see your blog and I love this post! I am a mom of two boys and the second one just turn a month old! So, I have been going through the same thing but I did not know anybody that could have gone through the same feelings as well plus I was afraid to ask…I love to hear all of this from you and your honesty! I love my new baby but it sure is has been kida different from the first and I think the reasons are exactly wat you describes! Thank you! I will stop by!!!

  • I love this post! It’s nice to know that others experianced similar things to me. I too have two boys, the eldest just turned 3 and the youngest is 14 months. I used to worry that I would never fall.in love with Alexander as I did his older brother. I felt like I was just providing the necessary things for him to flourish, I nursed him and hugged him etc but I always wanted time to hurry up, so he would start sleeping more, so I could spend more time with my eldest Reuben. Reuben and I spent a lot of time just us two as my husband works long hours, he was more than my son, he was my little buddy that followed me everywhere, we did everything together! Then Alexander arrived and everything felt displaced. I am happy to say that all my fears were unfounded, as I sit here to write this reply I have one of boys on a knee each and we couldn’t love each other more. As soon as Alex developed his personality and character I absolutley lost my heart to him too. I feel incredibly lucky to have two little buddies following me from room to room πŸ™‚


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